i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
