When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
