he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
