Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
