so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
