im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
