if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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