Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
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i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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