Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
