Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
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The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.