you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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