last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
