just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
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Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize