He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
