I wish I could teleport
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
false alarm. still invincible.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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