I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Who died my cat blue again?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
