you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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