I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
