So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
