Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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