I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
