Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
