Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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