You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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