This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
