Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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