Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
