Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
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He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
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My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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