So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so let's talk penis.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
