Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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