I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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