he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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