Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
