She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
