I got chris browned last night
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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