Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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