Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
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Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
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We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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