I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
