Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
