he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
