she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
