Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
