It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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