I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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