Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
