I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Farmville is her only friend.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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