If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
