I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
