I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
