Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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