Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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