the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
