Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
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Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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