Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
