hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
