I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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