I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
