I cannot find my penis.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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