she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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