Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Can I color on your dick again?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
